I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
