so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
