He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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