I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize