dude i'm inner monologue high
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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