I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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