how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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