I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
