you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
