Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
