you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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