Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
