if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
