Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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