he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
