Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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