I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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