i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
