On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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