with your own penis?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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