It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
