She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize