I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
