I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
