I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
