So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
