He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
