One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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