I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
