I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize