how can u be prego again
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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