it wasn't lemon gatorade
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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