My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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