you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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