There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize