Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
