Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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