I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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