take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
