My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
did you just send me my own nude
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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