toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
