his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
