I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
