It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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