DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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