btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
