Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My bed smells like the plague
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
