he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
