too bad you live with your parents still
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Randomize
