I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
