i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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