Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
