I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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