I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
