ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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