I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it's like heaven, but drunker
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize