Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
