Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
