I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
