can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
